Phantoms of Oppression
by Danny Aleksandar
Are you a toxic white witch unwittingly stirring the cauldron of systemic racism?
Perhaps you colluded with the gerrymandering Devil down in Georgia to steal the election from Stacey Abrams (she/her/hers), even if you can’t recall when, where, or how.
Maybe you “back the blue” under the demonic possession of white supremacist dog whistles.
Have you ever conjured the gender pay gap specter to unjustly deny a woman a raise? Or the trans-phobia specter to deny taxpayer funding for sex-reassignment surgery rights for trans-people?
Is a phantom of oppression with you, controlling you...right now?
DON’T DENY IT, AMERICA!
You are unqualified to deny any of these accusations because you are unable to even see the hateful, demonic specters which possess you!
We see the specters, and that’s our proof. Our eyes don’t lie.
We know the hidden motivations behind your every action.
WE SAW YOU DANCING NAKED IN THE WOODS, CONJURING CHARLTON HESTON AND HIS COLD, DEAD HANDS!
We understand your privileged thought process better than you do.
We see straight into your poisoned mind, your toxic heart.
We are the anointed, and we are here to rid the American soul of these patriarchal demons.
BUT FIRST, YOU MUST CONFESS!
There can be no redemption without confession! Fear not to confess, America! In the merciful spirit of RBG we will grant you a fair trial presided over by an impartial judge and with the testimonials of anointed celebrities!
ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE JOY BEHAR!
she/her/hers; TV personality during laundry folding time; blackface denouncer; anointed
JUDGE BEHAR
America, you are charged with pervasive systemic racism by means of white supremacy, marginalization of Women of Color by means of white privilege, gender identity oppression by means of transphobia and homophobia, oppression of all women by means of institutional patriarchy, promoting racism and xenophobia by means of MAGA, pederast oppression by means of Netflix boycotts, freedom of religion, and capitalism.
How do you plead?
AMERICA
Insanity.
JUDGE BEHAR
Insanity plea denied. As an anointed representative of the unbiased corporate media, I shall issue a plea on your behalf: Guilty on all charges!
Now let us hear first-hand testimony from the anointed witnesses.
THE WITNESSES:
OPRAH WINFREY
she/her/hers; token Woman of Color billionaire media mogul; made rich by white-privileged minivan moms in the 90’s; anointed
DR. CHRISTINE BLASEY FORD
she/her/hers; alleged rape victim; alleged chronic severe memory loss victim; anointed
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
she/her/hers; former A-list actress turned box-office poison; uses F-word a lot when explaining politics to everyone less informed; anointed
ELIZABETH WARREN
she/her/hers; formerly oppressed former Native American; former 1st Woman of Color at Harvard Law turned U.S. Senator; anointed
JOY REID
she/her/hers; Oppressed Harvard grad; Woman of Color corporate media personality; anti-gay tweet hacking victim; anointed
KAMALA HARRIS
she/her/hers; U.S. Senator turned Vice President; Woman of Color tortured as a child by white flight; waiting in the wings for Biden to croak; anointed
MICHELLE OBAMA
she/her/hers; former lawyer turned First Lady; overcame a lifetime of vague oppression which she bravely shared in hundreds of glossy magazine cover stories; anointed
BERNIE SANDERS
he/him/his; Soviet Comrade turned U.S. Senator; crusty old white man status officially pardoned by AOC for his innumerable contributions to socialism; anointed
JUDGE BEHAR
As my first witness, I call Oprah Winfrey. Oprah, did you see America with the Devil?
OPRAH
Yes, Your Honor! I saw America with the Devil! When I was just breaking into toxic white male dominated television, I saw white ABC executives with the Devil! They forced me to lighten my black skin for the first three years of my show so that racist America would watch me! Then one morning while I was sitting in the makeup chair getting white faced for racist America, Diane Sawyer’s specter appeared with the Devil and started fat shaming me! Then there’s that old Jew bitch, Judge Judy, who sold her soul to the Devil in exchange for kicking my ass in the Nielsen ratings! You see? Don’t be fooled by my sainthood status among suburban white women, and never mind my billions. Jews control everything. And fuck Morticia Addams, too. Talk about white skin! Girl, I should have won that Oscar.
JUDGE BEHAR
Goody Obama, did you see America with the Devil?
MICHELLE OBAMA
Yes, Your Honor! I saw racist magazine publishers with the Devil! Can you believe they only gave me 8,000 glowing cover stories? Jackie O. got more! And I saw Goody Bush with the Devil! Yes! White- ass Laura Bush, Crooked Hillary, and that eurotrash skank Melania! They all pretend to be nice to me with their public compliments, each saying how much they “admire” me. But at night they send their specters through my window, laughing as they remind me that the White House was built by slaaaaaves like me! I just ignore their racial divisiveness by constantly talking about all the racists battles I courageously overcome every single day in every interview I do. When those white bitches go low, I go high! You can’t teach class.
JUDGE BEHAR
Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, did you see America with the Devil?
DR. FORD
(falsetto whisper)
Yes, Your Honor. But I can’t remember where, when, or how. It was all so scary, I thought I might die. After the rape, I installed a second door to my apartment as an emergency escape, but the specter of Brett Kavanaugh just goes right through my door every night, like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. He raped me again today at some strange house in California I’ve never been to before, before I flew to Salem this morning to testify, even though I don’t ever fly anywhere, ever. What?
JUDGE BEHAR
You are a portrait of courage, Dr. Ford.
Jennifer Lawrence, did you see America with the Devil?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Fuck yeah, I did! I saw fuckin’ Hollywood producers with the Devil! I was only paid like $1.25 million plus $250,000, plus 7 points back-end for 19 days of work on American Hustle, when Cooper and Bale worked, like, 45 days each and got $2.5 million apiece plus 9 points back-end! I don’t know fuckin’ math but that’s like, an obvs example of the gender pay gap specter with the Devil! Cooper and Bale were only established stars with several box-office hits under their belts, and when the deal was made I hadn’t even won my Oscar yet, but still! Everyone knows The Hunger Games success was all me and had nothing to do with those boring ass books no one ever fuckin’ heard of.
JUDGE BEHAR
Joy Reid, did you see America with the Devil?
JOY REID
(Barbados accent)
Aye, mam, I did! He come at my Twitter account in the night, and he HACK IT! And he post evil homophobic words as if it were me saying dose tings! But I go on my TV show years later and I say to the world “NOOOOO, WHITE AMERICAN DEVIL, YOU LIE!”
JUDGE BEHAR
Bless you, Tituba!
Elizabeth Warren, did you see America with the Devil?
ELIZABETH WARREN
You know, I’m glad you asked me that, Your Honor. Because privileged white Americans think they own whatever land they land on. That the earth is just a dead thing they can claim. But as the former first woman of color at Harvard Law, I know every rock, and tree, and creature, has a life, has a spirit, has a naaaaaaaame!
JUDGE BEHAR
Kamala Harris, did you see America with the Devil?
KAMALA HARRIS
I’m speaking! I’m speaking.
Ok, so…I not only saw America with the Devil, Your Honor, I arrested the Devil for smoking pot! (laughs uncontrollably). But let’s be clear, when Biden croaks, I will reverse all non-violent drug offenses that I took full advantage of as a tough-on-petty-crime District Attorney. Because I also saw the 1994 Crime Bill with the Devil, seeping out of the halls of congress and into the saggy pants of small time urban drug dealers, forcing them to break the law! The Harris Administration will make prison reform a priority. But first, I will reverse Orange Hitler’s First Step Act prison reform, which was a white supremacist trick that only accidentally benefitted thousands of unjustly incarcerated blacks, and then I’ll restore the old discriminatory sentencing laws back to how things were before Trump, so I can then later reverse them for real.
JUDGE BEHAR
Bernie Sanders, did you see America with the Devil?
BERNIE SANDERS
I see the Devil in America every day. It’s called capitalism. It kills babies, it denies Women of Color the right to abort those babies, it denies minority rights because blacks are inferior intellects who can’t compete in the free market, it leads to blacks being forced to steal from Walmart and resell those items on the black market, a racist term in itself! Yes, capitalism is theft! Stealing from the poor non-producers to give to the rich and productive. It is inhumane to tell people to live within their means, and you don’t need to be anointed to see the evidence all around you in America today, where recent gender studies graduates turned artisan baristas can barely afford $200 a month for health insurance and still be able to globe trot constantly like young people do in progressive, socialist Europe, where reasonable wealth re-distribution for healthcare rights and education rights means MORE to people than the right of capitalist, gun loving right-wingers to spew their so-called free speech, WHICH IS IN FACT HATE SPEECH!
JUDGE BEHAR
(sobs)
Why aren’t you president?
Bernie, you just reminded me of a time I was visiting you and Jane in one of your beautiful homes, I can’t remember which one, and you said basically the same thing, which is all you ever say, but it always gives me chills!
AMERICA
Uh, can we have witnesses?
JUDGE BEHAR
In the interests of fairness you may have one witness.
AMERICA
The defense calls Dr. Ben Carson!
BEN CARSON
Neurosurgeon; former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development; not really black; doesn’t count.
BEN CARSON
First of all, I would like to thank everyone here for your contributions to this constructive dialogue, and for allowing me a voice at the table. I would like to offer a message of hope to young black people out there by saying that a positive outlook and hard work does indeed pay off, regardless of skin color, but a victim mentality will only serve to imprison you. It’s called the power of positive thinking. I am a living, breathing example of someone who was able to overcome my own impoverished, single-parent upbringing at a time in America when there were still very real racial divisions coming from…
(Dr. Carson interrupted by emergency rebuttal witness…)
JOE BIDEN
Former U.S. Senator, former V.P., and current President; crusty old white man; killed millions (mostly impoverished people of color) by supporting every war, every act of militarism, and every single drone bombing possible for 3 decades; anointed
JOE BIDEN
Hey, man, this dog and pony show here don’t count! Ben Carson ain’t black! Get him out of here! Back of the bus for you, pal! I oughta take you out back and tie you back up in chains, boy! Unleash the hounds on ya, ya dirty Uncle Tom!
Ok, fake darkie’s gone. Back to you, Joy!
JUDGE BEHAR
Ok, so now it’s time to hear the squad’s, I mean jury’s verdict.
THE JURY OF AMERICA’S PEERS:
AOC
she/her/hers; LATINX Squad Leader Congresswoman; Socialist Rockstar totally unafraid of debate but absolutely refuses to debate because it’s beneath her; anointed
ILHAN OMAR
she/her/hers; BIPOC Congresswoman; refugeed from Somalia’s starvation and genocide to America; known for her tough talk against American values and her fashionable hijabs; married her brother; anointed
RASHIDA TLAIB
she/her; BIPOC Palestinian Congresswoman; sidelined by her less boring Squad members; nonetheless anointed
AYANNA PRESSLEY
she/her; BIPOC (the real kind) Congresswoman; also boring/sidelined; affirmative action anointment
JUDGE BEHAR
Fair-minded jury of America’s peers, have you reached a verdict?
AOC
Yes, Your Honor. America is totally GUILTY A.F. WOO HOO!
JUDGE BEHAR
What’s your recommendation for sentencing?
AOC
We are not about punishing criminals, Your Honor. We are about rehabilitation. People only become white supremacists and bigots cuz of widespread right wing disinformation in public education and colleges, which sadly are breeding grounds for the alt-right. The Devil got to them, Your Honor, and they need treatment, not punishment.
JUDGE BEHAR
Even Orange Hitler?
AOC
No, he’s the anti-Christ.
But we need to have compassion for his bigoted followers, cuz I studied economics, so I know we can’t lock up all white people, cuz then there won’t be anyone left to pay taxes for funding reproductive rights and combating climate change and stuff.
So, our demand is that Americans undergo our Green New Critical Race Theory Rehabilitation Programming in order to create an equitable society, free of all things systemicky.
JUDGE BEHAR
Agreed. I hereby order all white Americans to undergo Green New Critical Race Theory Rehabilitation Programming, to be issued by anointed, well-paid government bureaucrats qualified to combat the Devil. America, do you have a final statement before I power slam my gavel?
AMERICA
Isn’t there some law against cruel and unusual punishment? We would rather a quick death than a slow one.
JUDGE BEHAR
Oy, vey! Such babies! Where’s Rand Paul’s neighbor when you need him? Court is adjourned.
Thank you for indulging in my satire. Now for some reality.
The Bureau of Justice Statistics is not racist. It is the most comprehensive, detailed, fact checked collection of crime statistics in America and arguably the world.
The absence of easy, convenient answers to perceived injustices does not give anyone a license to invent fantasies, or phantoms, of oppression. Such an approach appeals to the worst elements of mankind: the primitive, the tribal.
This invisibility factor is not a coincidence; it is by design.
The absence of facts, reason, basic legal standards, and even the scientific method is essential for the resurrection and maintaining of racial tensions in America and to all identity politics industries, which have profited enormously in recent years, particularly from major corporate donors. The ruling classes want us fighting each other over constructed social divisions rather than looking at them and their corruption.
When Michelle Obama’s friend Jussie Smollett has to fake a hate crime against himself, you can be sure America is short on hate crimes. PS. Michelle’s D.A. friend in Chicago dropped all charges against Smollett for falsifying a crime.
When ungrateful refugees like Ilhan Omar are elected to serve as judge, jury, and executioner of American values, you can be sure Somalia is the future of Minnesota, and perhaps America, if we don’t wake up and stand up against their lies.
When millions of Americans no longer require evidence before determining an individual’s guilt-by-corporate media hysteria, you can be sure our country is dying as we regress back to Salem witch trial justice.
When all the bad guys are conveniently invisible, chances are the crimes alleged are equally invisible and unprovable.
There was a time when artists, writers, musicians, and filmmakers fearlessly criticized holier-than-though moralizing, thought policing, double-standards, and the creation of boogeymen and other invisible enemies which are privileged to remain free from the constraints of evidence.
There was a time when artists were able to create masterpieces that questioned establishment dogmas, like “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb,” “The Manchurian Candidate,” C.C.R.’s “Fortunate Son,” “JFK,” and “The Crucible.”
Sadly, today’s mainstream artists have become the primary weapons for the very ruling class establishment forces they once bravely mocked with satire, scrutinized with political allegories, and whose puritanical authority they once questioned with daring dramas.
Where have you gone, Arthur Miller? A nation turns its’ lonely eyes to you.
What does this all mean?
It means that the next time an anointed one accuses you of an invisible “ism” of any kind, you should politely tell them to look in the mirror, then inform them they are wrong in their assessments of you, of bigotry in America, and perhaps even of themselves.
Tell them Jennifer Lawrence and that purple haired Soccer player woman are wrong: it has been illegal for decades to pay people different wages based exclusively on their sex.
Tell them that, despite clear differences of opinion, it’s all OK because this is America, where, even in the face of unending cries of systemic this and privileged that, and despite the omnipresent language police, FREEDOM OF THOUGHT CAN NEVER BE OUTLAWED! HALLELUJAH! TAKE THAT, DEVIL!
Use humor, facts, and whatever skills you possess to engage with people. Discourse is the only hope we have left. Whether on the left, right, or in the ever-shrinking middle, do not let the media steer you into demonizing the other side just because they demonize you. This is a trap, constructed by the ruling class in the media and government (all the lovely people I’ve parodied here), aimed at dividing Americans. Avoid this age-old “divide and conquer” trap by engaging in dialogue without fear, giving people a chance to understand you, and for you to understand them, and together understanding that there are “good people on both sides.” Because that is one boogeyman phrase that is true.
There are good people on both sides.