Toilet Paper Tells All!

by Danny Aleksandar

UNROLLING TOILET PAPER’S ANGER ON THE PANDEMIC, TRUMP, CORPORATE SEXISM, AND CLIMATE CHANGE.

by British Woman Reporter

British Woman Reporter:
Your image is known to all, yet privacy is central to your success. Your rolls are ubiquitous, but when you are suddenly gone, it is indeed a crisis for those affected.  You rarely do interviews and loath publicity, yet need no introduction.  You are Toilet Paper, and you are here with me now for an exclusive sit down.

Toilet Paper:
Call me T.P.  First off, I grant exclusive sit downs with basically everyone, every day.  Just as a matter of policy I don’t offer commentary while it’s happening.

British Woman Reporter:
Fair enough.  T.P., it has been said that at the start of the pandemic and the immediate shutdowns that followed, that you were, arguably, the hottest commodity in the world. Would you agree with that?

Toilet Paper:
For America, yes, that was true. But don’t forget, there are many parts of the world where people do not wipe their asses.

British Woman Reporter:
Do you equate that with a lack of equitable distribution of resources for people of color in impoverished nations?

Toilet Paper:
No, I equate it with standards. I’m not expensive and I’m not scarce.  I’m paper pulp and cardboard. For tribal people living in remote Africa, or cannibals in fucking New Guinea, they don’t care about me. They use leaves, or sometimes even their hands. Then there are people living in abject poverty who haven’t ever even seen a roll of me in person but know who I am and would desperately love to wipe their ass with me, but can’t. Well, that’s their problem. But the truth is, in cultures where people are less hygienic, like in India and France, it has to do with standards. So, whether it’s coming from ignorance, poverty, or just not caring, some societies prioritize cleanliness, and some don’t.

British Woman Reporter:
That’s a rather ethnocentric and elitist perspective, isn’t it? To judge entire cultures by your own standards?

Toilet Paper:
I clean shit off dirty asses. That’s my job. I am not in the business of spreading shit. Evidently, that’s your job. If you want to pretend like all countries in this world are as hygienic as America, go ahead. I’m just stating facts. It sounds like you’re the one judging them.

British Woman Reporter:
I’m not judging them, actually. You’re judging them for poverty and not having access to health education and resources.

Toilet Paper:
You know, this is why I don’t do these. Because even though I’m the one who cleans asses, it’s the reporters who are all ass-wipes. Go back and read the transcript, ass-wipe, and you’ll see what I said.

British Woman Reporter:
You said, “Well, that’s their problem…”

Toilet Paper:
And?  Whose problem should it be then? Mine? Or is it yours? Are you out there donating packs of me to impoverished people in third world countries?

British Woman Reporter:
As a matter of fact, I do donate to a charity that provides these kind of resources…

Toilet Paper:
Yeah? Good for you! I’ll be sure to get you a humanitarian medal for donating when it was convenient for you. But when I was the quote “hottest commodity in the world” you weren’t donating any of your own supply to poor, dirty-assed brown kids in the streets of Calcutta. You kept your own ass clean as a whistle, and I don’t blame you. What pisses me off is you stand on a toilet shouting for everyone else to be responsible for cleaning the poor brown kid’s ass. Typical liberal. Wipe as I say, not as I wipe. Assuming the kid isn’t an orphan, I blame his parents. If I was the kid I’d be like, “hey mom, do you care about me at all? Then get me some fucking toilet paper so I can wipe my dirty ass!” Yeah, I judge. I judge people who bring children into this world and don’t provide for them. Who pass the responsibility onto everyone else. Whose fault is it that people were scrambling for me? I mean, besides the hysterical press? Is it the responsible mom who was prepared, who had a few packs of me already in the cupboard below the sink? Or was it the irresponsible mom who was totally unprepared, whose kids probably eat fucking Pop-Tarts for breakfast every day? You know the answer.

British Woman Reporter:
It’s interesting that you put the responsibility exclusively on the mother.

Toilet Paper:
I’m glad you find that interesting. What’s your next headline? The patriarchy and Toilet Paper? Why aren’t more women executives working at Charmin? I picked mothers because most of the time they are better and more attentive parents. Most of the time. It’s a compliment to women in general, if anything, but go ahead and twist it, it’s what reporters do.  But so you know, I don’t care who you think I’m judging because I am more qualified and more entitled than any inanimate object in the world to judge whoever the fuck I want to judge, including bad mothers.

British Woman Reporter:
Your aggression right now reveals a pretty alarming anger management issue that one can only assume is work related. 

(Toilet Paper laughs)

British Woman Reporter:
Well? Women are more caring, as you say. Maybe more women executives at Charmin, or any of the big toilet paper companies, would result in better mental health care for you to be able to cope with the demands of your job. Do you think that’s a fair statement?  

Toilet Paper:
You think you know what my job is like?

British Woman Reporter:
I’m very well aware of what you do.

Toilet Paper:
No, you think you know. The truth is you have no clue what I have to face every day in every crack and corner of the world, and now your smug ass just assumes that I don’t already have a shrink. My private health care is none of your business, but so your readers know, I have healthy ways of coping.

British Woman Reporter:
I apologize for speculating on your mental health, but you are visibly angry…

Toilet Paper:
Of course I’m angry.  You think sticking your nose in slimy buttcracks all day is like sticking your face in a bucket of roses? It ain’t no bucket of roses! Especially when you hate everyone as much as I do.

British Woman Reporter:
So why do you do it if it’s so terrible?

Toilet Paper:
As the cliche goes, it’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it. The only reason I roll on is for the money. I’m at the center of a global, multi-billion-dollar industry. You can’t beat that.

British Woman Reporter:
So you don’t do it for humanity’s sake. You do it for the money…

Toilet Paper:
Lady, if it was for humanity’s sake I wouldn’t spare one fuckin’ square! My favorite Seinfeld episode, by the way. I do it for the money and everybody wins. Did you wipe your ass today?

British Woman Reporter:
That’s none of your business.

Toilet Paper:
Actually, ass-wipe, it’s the definition of my business, and they answer is, yes, of course you did. I know. I was there. You’re welcome.

British Woman Reporter:
But, as you say, you’re very well paid. So why is it that you think you’re entitled to judge us?

Toilet Paper:
Because I am in the business of self-respect, of civilization, and yes, of privilege. Of granting people the privilege of hygiene. You learn everything you need to know about humanity when you see how people respect, or disrespect, that privilege during a global panic. I was like a lifeboat on the Titanic. Third-class assholes had to fight for single-ply scraps of me, while the first-class assholes got priority on the nice, cushy, multi-ply, quilted rolls.

British Woman Reporter:
So, what was it like suddenly being the most sought-after product outside of food?

Toilet Paper:
I’ve always been used to being one of the top products, but never the top product. To suddenly find myself flying off the shelves at such a rapid pace, with no warning, was a shock I admit. But within a few weeks I was able to get back on the shelves fast enough to at least bring underwear streak mark levels back down to normal. Hanes made a fortune off our shortages. My lawyer’s gonna hate me for saying this, but I’m not entirely sure they didn’t invest in the Wuhan Lab with the CDC. I’m not criticizing them. They’re smart to take advantage of the situation. I might rip a page from their playbook next time.

British Woman Reporter:
You sound quite cynical about it all.

Toilet Paper:
Let’s say I have developed a rather dark sense of humor. You try smearing yourself against everyone’s hairy deuce-maker all day and smiling about it like Barney the fucking Dinosaur. Cynicism is how I cope with my job. You think doctors don’t take comfort in making jokes about the patients they don’t like but still have to treat? Cynicism saves lives.

British Woman Reporter:
Did you find yourself cooperating with Paper Towel or Tissue products during the pandemic?

Toilet Paper:
Yeah.  We all had daily zoom calls keeping each other informed about where our production lines were falling short with supplies or labor. People have no idea how much pressure there was, but we put our differences aside and got the job done. Something I wish our politicians would do more of. If hygiene products can do it, why can’t our elected officials?

British Woman Reporter:
You feel that government failed Americans during the pandemic?

Toilet Paper:
The government has been failing people for decades. But I also believe Americans have the government they deserve.

British Woman Reporter:
Could you elaborate on that?

Toilet Paper:
I saw a lot of fighting. Hoarders with entire shopping carts full of me refusing to give up one pack to people who had none. Most of these hoarders were disgusting fat slobs, and now all of a sudden they’re worried about hygiene because Rachel Maddow told them the world was ending. I saw people stealing from other people’s shopping carts whenever a back was turned. I saw people screaming at store managers. These are the horrible asses I had to wipe, and all the while I’m thinking to myself…you people can wipe and wipe until your skin bleeds, but you will never be clean, because you’re all shit inside, you know? Just like the government we have now. Operating by theft, fighting over entitlements, and full of shit.

British Woman Reporter:
Earlier you described hygiene as a privilege. Do you not think basic hygiene is a human right?

Toilet Paper:
I used to. When I was young and still being knitted by cartoon bears, naturally I was quite naive. But that was long before I ever cleaned an entitled, ungrateful American ass.

British Woman Reporter:
Like women, you keep singling out Americans for criticism.

Toilet Paper:
Americans consume the most of me, but they appreciate me the least and they’re wasteful fucks. It really wasn’t long after the early panic days that I was being used in ridiculously large hands full for stupid things like wiping off makeup and killing spiders. Like, don’t they remember two months ago knocking over little old ladies just to get one extra roll? They don’t remember and they don’t care. So, I care about them less, now, too. Believe it or not, I did care once. That’s over.

British Woman Reporter:
This sounds almost like a resignation. Are you making a public declaration right now?

Toilet Paper:
Ever since the first shutdowns I see the cracks in our society more clearly. To paraphrase Tolstoy, “clean asses are all alike; dirty asses are dirty in their own ways…” The challenges I face are uniquely mine, and I was fine with that so long it was all limited to dirty asses. But now I’m dealing with politicians, and social justice warriors, and gluttonous pigs hoarding me for the apocalypse. I am not resigning, but I do want to state clearly that hygiene is not a right. No one is entitled to me. Americans created this situation for themselves, this entitlement culture, and the day will come again when they are fighting over me like animals. This isn’t over by a long shot.

British Woman Reporter:
You predict another round of shutdowns?

Toilet Paper:
I predict more government-media induced public panics and, yes, shutdowns. At the same time, as regulations send more manufacturing to China and Mexico, hygiene products like me, which are routinely taken for granted and wasted, may not be so readily available. When that happens, people will be scraping their asses on the grass like dogs. Then you will see blood in the streets, take it to the shitter!

British Woman Reporter:
Donald Trump. Tell me about his ass.

Toilet Paper:
I get this question a lot. Yes, it is orange. What’s really weird is Barack Obama’s ass.

British Woman Reporter:
Ok, I don’t think we should…

Toilet Paper:
It’s white. Both cheeks, totally white. He has his momma’s ass.

British Woman Reporter:
Last question. Regarding climate change and the environmental cost of creating billions of pounds of paper hygiene products annually, do you think there will ever be a day when humans have found a more environmentally conscious way of cleaning themselves after their bowel movements, and you, Toilet Paper, are out of a job altogether?

(Toilet Paper laughs)

British Woman Reporter:
Well? Do you acknowledge your carbon footprint, and don’t you think you’d be singing a different tune if you ever faced the threat of your own extinction?

Toilet Paper:
Haven’t you been paying any attention? It’s alright, I knew your ass was yellow when I agreed to this interview. The shutdowns showed the world that most humans do exactly as they’re told by their officials. If ever I find myself at the threat of extinction, all I need to do is throw some money at the Washington elites, and poof! The latest variant is even deadlier, shutdowns cause widespread panic, and I’m back in business and more trusted than any fad product that does a half-assed job at twice the cost. When shit hits the fan people care more about their own buttholes than they do about the hole in the ozone layer. I am wiping proof of that.